So I've really been lacking on posts for my journal, because I haven't been able to load my pictures/videos to my computer because it's kind of packed with stuff on it and is about to explode, trying to work through that though. But I did start working on this weeks installment of "My Life Story" with a bit of wee excitement. While writing this weeks [all at my job also, score!] I started thinking about what I could do with all of this writing, and I think after it's complete I may put it into zine/book form, with pictures and images from my actual diaries and real updates on the people included in the stories, I think that would be a fun read, or at least I would read something like that. What do you think?
Anyways, here is this weeks deliciousness!:
"Jerry Gerard was the first boy I ever wrote about in my ancient journals/diaries. I absolutely have one entire page filled with I <3 Jerry, I was obsessive. It all started when he went to my summer day-camp in elementary school, he was the 'leader' of the guys and I wanted to be his lady. Except this was all in the 90's and us being 8 or 9 we were all obsessed with the television show, 'The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers". So in our world he was Jason the red Power Ranger, and I of course wanted to be Kimberly the Pink ranger, but had to resort to being Rita the ugly nemesis of the Power Rangers. But I still did it, anything to be close to Jerry.
That summer was probably the best summer of my life at that point in my life. It was the summer that I first practiced kissing. My girlfriend's and I were so sure that we were going to have our first 'real' kisses this year so we decided we should start practicing. So we did, with each other, we practiced under blankets at nap-time or movie time and rated who was the best. At the time I recalled having a feeling like it wasn't normal for girls to kiss one another, and feeling like I would get in trouble if we were caught, so we all promised to never tell anyone what we had done. Years later I recalled this part of my life and felt foolish for thinking that, but lesbianism was never a part of my life, or I wasn't allowed to view that lifestyle, even though one of my mother's long time best friend's was a lesbian, I was never aware this was an acceptable relationship until high school, when I became fascinated. But that's another story altogether.
Right now we're back in the summer of Jerry Gerard. Okay I know this is going to seem out of left field but it's the only vivid memory I have of what conspired that summer. I can prefect by saying I had been attending this daycare for a few years and could talk my way into getting away with things that maybe little kids shouldn't. But I was a girl on a mission! Somehow I was able to persuade Jerry and one other girl and boy that we should build a fort out of gym mats we slept on during nap-time so we could practice kissing so we would be well practiced for our weddings. And guess what, it worked, I don't know how I did it but I managed to get my crush to kiss me and I was on cloud 9! That was until we got caught and Jerry denied it ever happening.
I crushed on him longer than any boy in my life, all the way till my 7th grade year of middle school. I had other crushed during the same time but I always hoped that someday jerry would look at me and want to make out with me again. My crush on him ended around the time I moved away, and I specifically remember going back to visit my old hometown a year or so later and seeing Jerry hanging out with a bunch of younger boys and him still being the same height as in middle school, when all the other boys had grown up, I had gotten my period and had a refined taste in the taller high school boys and Jerry was back there, still the same. It made me feel a lot better about myself after all of those years of making a fool of myself for that boy.
Almost a decade later I did the predictable, after reading my old diaries, and I looked up jerry Gerard on the internet. There he was, right where I had left him, except this time he had kids. I emailed him and confessed my childhood crush to him and found out what he was doing with his life [
Me: I was just reading some old diaries and found in these very early pages I wrote in early middle school I was writing about this boy Jerry Gerard and I remembered him and thought that I would go online and see if he had a myspace to see what was going on in his life.
Jerry: well it sounds like that is me and i remember a jennifer ross and yes i went to la petite so how the hell are you and what did the stuff say about me
Me: It was a pretty hilarious collection of pages. Just school-girl crushes and such. I haven't really talked to anyone that I used to know growing up in that neighborhood haven't been able to reconnect with anyone. Do you still live there? I haven't been to that part of florida in a long time. Are those your children in your picture? Tell me more about yourself?
Jerry: yup i still live in winter springs just not in the nieghborhood i used to have a crush on you so it sunds like your life is going good mine is the same day to day work and take care of my two girls
].
Exciting stuff right, who knew he actually crushed on me back, I can either [a] believe that it's true and that he had some weird childish reason for not telling me back then or [b] he took a look at the fly hunny that's messaging him on the internet now and changed his mind. Yes I know this was totally meant to happen on the Maury Povich 'look at my now' episode, but I think I'm afraid of that sort or reality television or that those people are actually hired actors, really GOOD hired actors.
I think Jerry may have been one of the only boys I didn't have the "what if he was the one" thought about. If Jerry and I had ever actually got together I think that would have ruined it for me because, then he wouldn't be this unattainable thing and I think that's all I was really attracted to in the first place.
Middle school was a pretty bleak time for my love life, I crushed on 3 people for those 3 years. The first Ryan Murphy, I'm not even sure what attracted me to him, he had long blonde hair that he tied back into a ponytail high on the back of his head, and I recall his jaw-line reminding me of that akin to the Blonde character on Beavis and Butthead. He wasn't conventionally attractive in the least but he usually made the class laugh, and I had a thing for any guy who could make me laugh. After him was Bryan Wheeler who was even more comedic than Ryan, both of these boys were also shorter than the average middle school boy as well, they also were automatically considered in the 'popular' crowd because everyone knew them because they were constantly making us all laugh in class, so that immediately made them out of my reach.
I was still taking my identity, force-fed from my mother, so I was not a hot commodity with my bushy-eyebrows, mousey dirty blonde hair, and anorexic-ally skinny looking build. It also didn't help that I was painfully shy and obsessed over the spice girls enough to convince family members to purchase me my very own pair of ultra high skecher's sneakers, that I wore proudly to school. The third was logan, I'm not exactly sure what made me crush on him, oh wait, yes I do. Ryan and Logan we're friends, my ploy was to date Logan and Ryan would see how amazing i was and want to make-out with me in the hallways between classes. I wrote about Logan and our relationship in my diary [ Dear Diary, I asked Meredeth to ask Logan if he would go out with me. Oh I'm sorry Logan is a short boy I think he is 11 he has curly hair and is friends with Ryan Murphey. He said he didn't know and left. Then the next day they told him what I looked like. Then in science he said, some girls were telling me about a girl, then he described what I was wearing, then he said, they also said that, that girl had a crush on me. Then I said, I am that girl. Then we both blushed and smiled. Then the next day Ryan asked Logan if he would go out with me and he said yes. So I was happy. Then I heard Logan say to Ryan that the only reason he was going out with me was because Ryan begged him so I decided to dump him the next day. So now I like Ryan, but I don't now how to tell him. So I guess he wont' ever like me.]
Middle school girls make no sense, or at least I do not make any sense now to myself. I always thought I would keep diaries/journals to be able to keep in touch with how I felt about things when I was that age. So if I ever spawned children of my own I would maybe be able to still connect with them somehow. But I think I will still be clueless when the time comes.
Robbie Grinach will count as 1/2 a crush. I knew him my whole academic life, but now in middle school he had become more than just his red hair and freckles, he was the first person [man or woman] to step way out of the 'norm' visually. I believe my middle school years were when Marily Manson had gone mainstream, and it was kind of cool to dress gothic. Okay maybe it was never cool, but it was to me, it was amazingly interesting and so starkly different from what I had to choose from : Jocks-populars-thugs-nerds. It was the first time I thought dark and scary could be sexy and alluring. Now-a-days if I had met a Robbie-Like character we would probably be friend's, or I would just want him to treat me as his slave at the local goth show at our local goth bar/club. But I digress.
My middle school crushes promoted lots of unrealistic day dreams, and a lot of time spent with my girlfriends gossiping about boys and learning spice girls songs, it's what I'd like to think that most 11-14 year old girls are doing at that age but too many 20/20 specials later I have come to recognize myself as a minority."
Well lad de da! How exciting Middle School life is right?!
Anyways I just also wanted to mention that a good number of people have been purchasing Lolita lately, all three issues too! Wow, the post office people are going to be happy to see lovely little Lolita packages being transmitted through their system I just know it!
If you haven't got your own copy of Lolita yet, you best get to it! [jemnifur.etsy.com].
Thanks!
Jemibook
